Most people, who don't know us, assume we adopted our children as babies. Their limited knowledge allows them to safely assume that ALL adoptions are of babies/toddlers. This, of course, isn't the case as children as old as 18 can be adopted nationally. Internationally, the maximum age can range from 14 to 17 depending on the country. What this means for the adopting parent varies but one truth is constant; after a certain age, you are no longer adopting a child, you are adopting a fully formed person with his/her own attitudes and idiosyncrasies.
For us, each of our children has presented a different set of challenges. Simon was our first adoption. We like to think we were on a learning curve with him. Some things we did well, some things...not so well. He attached fairly quickly and took to his new name and home with gusto. Simon wanted to be American in every sense of the word so there was no convincing to learn English. He shied away from Chinese/Asian people and clung to us for dear life. In 1.5 years, he has grown 5 inches (from a size 5 to a size 8!) and gone from being a non reader to reading on a 2nd grade level. He loves sports and trying new things. I think he loves school the most which totally baffles his older brother. Challenges with him included is refusal to cry or show any emotion and his fear of disappointing us to the point it sometimes paralyzes his ability to speak or act. The last challenge was/has caused the most difficult adjustment for all of us. It can be very frustrating to be ask your child a question and have him stammer or stand at attention even though there is nothing to worry about. Overall, given the things we are trained to expect, our first adoption was more than we could have hoped.
Our 2nd and 3rd adoptions still provide us with interesting insights into our children and the lives they led before us. Having completely different stories and backgrounds, Sawyer and Shepherd each have their own set of challenges. Sawyer is still struggling with trust issues and showing affection freely/spontaneously. Telling him "No" when he is doing something which could harm him can cause him to breakdown sobbing uncontrollably or he can look at you and say "yes, mama/baba". We are still trying to figure out his triggers. He does not read Chinese so there is a limit to our communication with him. We have utilized sign language and pictures. He is very much like Simon in that he wants to learn English. He continually points to everything asking us what it is. Sawyer is quiet, however, and tends to blend into the background. We have to make a conscious effort to acknowledge him because of this. His self esteem is something we are always working on so that we can continue to build him up.
Shepherd....ahhh Shepherd, our little firecracker. Our over-the-top, spoiled rotten bundle of energy and mischief. Shepherd does not want to let go of his Chinese and we have respected that. He is totally full of himself - confidence is definitely not an issue for him. He hates to take a nap but we hate it when he doesn't :) He's a fiddler and nosey, thinks everything is his or his business and loves to be loved. He gives affection freely and has the most adorable faces and expressions. Shepherd and Samuel have similar personalities which means they both love and irritate each other at the same time! We have to make a conscious effort to not dote on Shepherd too much. I know that may cause people to judge us negatively as parents but it is human nature to gravitate to what is easy. Shepherd is easy but that doesn't mean we love our other children less. We are just aware that being young, little, and cute can sometimes cause us to play or love on him more.
Adopting two also presents challenges. First, language acquisition is slower because they have each other to speak with. Scott causes it their "twin language" as our guide said he sometimes did not understand what they were saying even though he knows it was Chinese. The interesting thing about that is the boys are not only from two different provinces but two completely different parts of China. This means the boys speak Mandarin but the dialects should be very different but they seem to have made up for that and have no problems communicating. Adopting two also means you have to work harder on the adjustment process because each child will have different needs. This can be exhausting but no less fulfilling. It is also important to not leave out your children who may already be in the home. We try to give alone time to each of our children. This can be as simple as reading a book or walking with them outside. With four children and with us both working full time, whole days are difficult but a few hours here and there are doable and necessary. We also have to find time for ourselves which, admittedly, often happens after the brood goes to bed. Going from 1 to 4 in less than 2 years has been a lot for our family but God has brought us the children we need and taught us how to not only be better parents, but better people. We are so blessed to understand the true meaning of FAMILY and plan to continue to grow our family in the way we have been LED.
S6
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