Led by another adoptive mom, I have decided to be transparent about some issues and fears we are currently facing. Love, support, and prayers are greatly appreciated.
Fear can be a powerful thing. It can incapacitate us at a moments notice or cause us to flee from an unseen foe. But fear can also lead us to complacency. This is where I have been - complacent about my life. My fears come from a deep place that I have attempted to deal with multiple times throughout my life. The fear of not being good enough, the fear of missing out, the fear of being too fat, too bossy, too sinful...the fear my husband will find someone better or my kids will want a different mom. The fear of food has allowed me to be controlled by it to the point I have gained weight I am not proud of simply through the lack of doing anything about it. I have had a health scare the last week resulting in my first trip in an ambulance. The fear in my children's eyes was almost more than I can handle. Add to that the fear I saw in my husband, and complacency is no longer good enough.
So, here I am, on my knees attempting to deal with the fear of life. I am a sinner. God only knows all of my sins but I know and recognize enough of them to know it will be through His grace, and His grace alone, that I will be sitting at His feet. My new life plan starts today so I can be the person I need to be for our family. We will be bringing two wonderful boys into our home who will need me to be there for them. I am incredibly frightened on how they will transition, how our family will transition, how to handle the stress, etc. Adoptive parents will tell you that children who are institutionalized come with their own set of challenges. As easy as Simon's transition was into our family, there were times of challenge and heartache on both sides. I should have been more transparent about these challenges in the blog, but I wasn't. Now, we face being a part for a week with each of our boys. I worry about Scott handling Shepherd who has never lived with a family. I worry about me being with Sawyer, who seems so sad, without Scott. I know, however, that God has a plan for us and He will guide us through this.
Today is a new day and although the full ramifications of my health scare are still unknown, I refuse to allow fear to control me any more. I have begun Weight Watchers to help keep track of my meals. I WILL walk on the treadmill for 20 - 30 minutes a day (can't run due to health issues). I will spend time with my children playing Lego's, baseball, basketball (I can still kick their booties:o), etc. I will focus more on my relationship with my husband. And, I am reading my bible again...every day. A dear friend told me once to read Hebrews 11 during a difficult time. I did and found great comfort, so today, when I sat down with my bible, I was led to start my reading in Hebrews. My bible is an NIV devotional and, wouldn't you know it, it was about allowing Jesus to be my Intercessor and to learn to accept the changes and choices of life. God has put me on this path, this journey to build our family through adoption. Now I fully commit myself to this journey and recommit myself to the faith that inspired it. The fear is still there, but it can occupy a much smaller space when I bring God back to the forefront.
